


This is not Area 51

by Ikebanaka



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Bat Family, Chaos, Gen, Mayhem, Memes, and decide to fuck shit up, batfam, hideous wolf underwear, my sweet punk baby, only my second work and they both involve pranks, shit i forgot harper, sometimes this is Not Your Problem and you can sit back and watch, sometimes your kids get bored
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 07:31:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20254477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ikebanaka/pseuds/Ikebanaka
Summary: Bruce has a lot of kids, most of whom are teenagers, and with teens come mayhem and memes. Surprisingly much more mayhem than memes sometimes





	This is not Area 51

**Author's Note:**

> This was not a meme-centered work. Still isn't, really. But that one line snuck in.

Bruce would like everyone to know that while he could’ve planned something like this, he did not, in fact, plan this.

‘This’ being the half a dozen vigilantes currently causing absolute mayhem on the Watchtower.

They’d timed it all perfectly, which meant Tim was one of the main planners. His third son had always had a knack for timing, from the time he was a tiny child getting perfect pictures of Batman and Robin in action. Although the timing was suspiciously dramatic for someone so practical, which meant Dick got his hands on the plan.

There was a distinct flavor of flash and bang and going-for-the-kneecaps flair that was all Jason, while the subtlety getting in here, and the perfect anticipation of every unwilling participant’s movements, spoke of Cassandra’s touch.

There was a certain practicality, which was Duke, and a large number of sharp and pointy things being flung strategically, which was Damian, and the fact they got in here at all when the Watchtower was on lockdown for a Justice League meeting was Barbara, but what part of this plan was Stephanie- oh.

Chaos and mayhem, recorded for posterity and laughs? This whole thing was her idea.

He’s strangely proud.

* * *

“You think that meeting felt really long to you? Try being me!” The Flash complained, already snarking with Hal before Batman had even turned off the screen in the meeting room. Batman can’t even blame them; he’s used to making slideshows for people whose literal job is to pay close attention to what he presents, not thirty somethings who have already applied all their focus to other fields of study. He’s lost all ability to present things in an engaging way to people who don’t communicate in memes.

Goddamn teenagers.

“Supes!”

Batman freezes, because that was definitely his oldest, who definitely should not be here. Sadly, it seems his youngest anticipated that, and chose that exact moment to leap at him from behind and pin his arms to his side long enough for Jason to get a solid hold on his wrists and handcuff him to the table leg with ridiculously long cuffs- no, never mind, it appears he is handcuffed to Hal underneath the table. And the keyhole is on the part closest to Hal. Because his children hate him.

While this was happening, Clark had avoided tripping over Dick, who had lunged for his knees with uncharacteristic savage glee rather than going for the usual hug, by leaning forward and floating, which was immediately followed by Stephanie slamming a bag of something onto his back and Clark instinctively shooting upward, only for it to be revealed that the bag was full of paint balloons when he hit Aquaman, who had been bodily flung into the air by Diana instead of Tim, her intended target.

Batman will be honest here and admit that he has no idea what Tim did prior to seeing him duck so Diana would grab Arthur. Anyways, all of his children naturally have their capes up to cover themselves at the moment the paint falls, except for Duke, who had to duck under the table and pops out right next to him. 

“Hello Signal. Care to explain.” Bruce gets a sheepish grin in response.

“Not really, no.” Duke turns and stands up just in time to give Dick a boost to where both Hawks are hovering in confused fascination at the scene below, where he grabs onto Hawkgirl’s leg. Thankfully, Dick is not rewarded for his efforts with a mace to the head. Instead, Hawkgirl tries to shake him off, which just ends up throwing her off balance enough for her to careen wildly and get tangled with Hawkman, at which point Dick apparently decides his job is done and takes a dive onto someone Batman can’t see, but assumes is Captain Marvel based on the mild cursing and genuine surprise.

Batman suddenly realizes that he’s lost track of Damian and Jason, he never saw the girls to begin with, and the sparklers Tim is about to light with one of Ollie’s arrows are aimed right at poor Barry who is unable to move due to being wrapped in duct tape and a jump rope, which are of different enough densities that he can’t vibrate through.

“Red Robin, please don’t actually hurt the Flash,” he cautions, hopefully loud enough to be heard. Tim doesn’t turn to look at him, but he does aim the sparklers towards Diana instead. Diana who is not tied up or otherwise incapacitated, but is instead in the middle of what appears to be an intense debate of some sort with Jason. As Cass sneaks up behind her.

Tim lights the sparklers, and Batman can almost see the split second where Diana’s attention is nowhere near her lasso. In that split second, Cass lifts the lasso from Wonder Woman’s person and tosses part of it to Tim behind Diana as she turns her head back to Jason. 

By the time she realizes what’s happening, Diana has a loop tying her arms to her sides, and by the time she realizes she should maybe take them a bit more seriously, there are two more loops and Cass is kicking her feet out from under her.

Bruce is only marginally impressed by that until he realizes that the Amazon isn’t just getting back up. Then, he’s amazed. He has no idea why she isn’t getting up, he can’t quite tell from here, but the fact that she is clearly trying to, and is equally as clearly failing, is enough to make him crack a smile.

“Are you smiling? What the hell, man, why are you smiling?! We are handcuffed together, in the middle of the biggest prank I have ever been the target of, and you have done nothing, absolutely _ nothing _, to get us out! What is your problem?!” Hal is clearly upset, so Batman turns to him. 

He makes a noise that he will deny to his dying day at the sight of the man, no matter how many recordings Babs provides.

While his back was turned, someone had divested Hal of his ring, and Hal had apparently gotten out of bed in nothing but the worst pair of underwear Bruce has ever encountered, thought ‘fuck it,’ and applied his Green Lantern onesie. No ring, no onesie, so Batman is now faced with the sight of a grown man wearing underwear styled so that his dick is covered by the snout of the wolf printed on it. 

Hal closes his legs. The wolf snout is no longer visible.

“They were a gag gift okay! My friend said if I was so stuck on my lone wolf gig I could have the underwear to match, and then they were my only clean underwear today! I wouldn’t actually buy them for myself!” Hal gets redder and redder as he speaks.

Bruce will not laugh. He won’t.

His brain provides a picture of that one Roman guard from the Life of Brian, trying not to laugh at the name ‘Biggus Dickus,’ and his task suddenly becomes twice as hard. Heh.

(Oh no.)

Somehow, impossibly, he does not laugh, but it takes him a full eight seconds to recover, and in that time the chaos has died down.

Superman, who has been trying to contain Bruce’s wayward asshole children, and failing because he only has the arm space for two if one of the two is Jason, finally gives up, because every other League member already has in the face of said children.

John Stewart, safe in a green bubble against the wall being circled by Steph, is chuckling because he thinks it’s over. He gives Steph a wave and smile, waits for her to smile back and let her stance go slack, and lets his bubble disappear.

This is a mistake.

As soon as it’s down, Damian releases his grip on his perch and lands on him like a sack of bricks. Bruce has no sympathy. Every other hero was taken unawares because they assumed the threat was in front of them. As a hero, you have to learn. Adapt. Overcome. 

John Stewart is officially the last hero down.

Martian Manhunter took his downfall with good grace, and is now communicating with Cass in a nonverbal way that Bruce doesn’t quite understand. Jason is continuing his debate with Diana, who is still on the floor, while the Hawks preen glitter out of their wings with a begrudging admiration for the way Dick got them tangled up not once, but twice. Bruce tunes into their conversation with Dick just to check (no one wants to be on Hawkgirl’s bad side), and is almost unsurprised to hear that Dick thinks _ glittery wings _ are just the _ coolest_, and it’s gonna look so cool in the sunlight, promise-

Bruce carefully tucks away the bittersweet memory of Dick ‘convincing’ him to wear a sparkly outfit to a gala a few months after the adoption went through, only to make him wear something else because it reminded him too much of his old home.

He continues his long glance around the room.

Damian has given up on terrorizing John, who is also missing his ring now, but is clearly less of a disaster than Hal given his worn jeans, Henley, and sturdy walking shoes. Instead, his youngest is hounding the Flash, who is still tied up, but looks perfectly content with that. Presumably they are talking about the science of crime scenes, since that’s Damian’s newest obsession.

Tim is happily munching on… something. Should Bruce- no, wait, that’s one of Barry’s weird snacks- actually, should Tim be eating that? Is that okay for people with non-meta metabolisms? He’s going to assume it’s okay, because Tim probably wouldn’t put anything like that in his system without knowing it was okay.

He’s still going to test one later.

Anyways, Tim’s eating something while chatting with a captive audience; namely, the Atom. Bruce has- Bruce has no idea what they could be talking about. Last night, Tim was talking about how caffeine works on people with certain kinds of brain chemistry. As far as he was aware, that falls under chemistry and biology, while Ray specializes in the physics of light, gravitation, etc.

As a jack of all trades, master of some, Bruce has no idea how those things overlap, but whatever they’re talking about, Tim is smiling, and that’s what matters.

Steph is chatting up Black Canary, which is nice, because Steph deserves to talk to another woman hero that doesn’t use superior strength to take down her opponents. Diana and Hawkgirl have great moves, but not everyone can literally crush a man’s head between their thighs and fly, and most of the men don’t know how to use ‘blonde and under 5’10”’ as a weapon like Dinah.

As a bonus, where she seems to be taking her new look in stride, paint and all, Oliver looks to be handling his with all the aplomb of a wet cat. He’s standing next to her with a look like he wants to throw a tantrum, but knows full well that Dinah would have his balls if he interrupted her conversation with a bright young woman.

Bruce will forever treasure the picture of an irritable Oliver Queen covered in paint and shitty craft feathers, mental or otherwise. 

(Please be otherwise, he wants a physical copy so bad. He is on the wrong side of forty five and it’s so immature but he really, really wants it.)

(He has a secret collection of meme worthy superhero pictures that will never see the light outside the Batcave.)

Finally, he spots Duke, slowly picking up speed as he spins Arthur’s trident, the man himself wincing from where he, like Diana, is inexplicably attached to the floor. No, wait, there might just be duct tape involved. A lot of duct tape. With mustaches.

Duke loses control of the trident, and the King of Atlantis nearly loses his crown jewels.

Bruce almost flinches, but controls his reaction. He loves his kids, really, but sometimes they do the darnedest things.

Having accounted for all his children, Batman drags Hal closer by their chain, palming his picks, and passes his cape over the lock as he sticks the right ones in and turns- tries to turn, and fails, because he trained his kids to know what a typical cuff lock is like so of course they got a nonstandard one. 

“What happened, Bats? That fumble isn’t like you. Guess I wasn’t the only o-” Bruce cuts Hal off by dragging on the chain just enough to lightly bounce his head off the table. “Ow! The fuck, man?”

“Oops. My mistake,” Bruce intones. He quickly changes picks and unlocks the cuffs. He only feels a little bad for smacking Hal’s head, because honestly, gloating over someone’s imperfection to distract from your own bad choices is just bad form. And pointless, because it’s just too late now. That underwear will probably feature in his nightmares.

He gets up and makes his way over to Dick, who sees him coming and starts to wrap up his conversation.

“Nightwing.” Bruce can hear a hush falling as he addresses his son.

“Hey, B,” Dick says with an easy grin, looking up and over his shoulder at him from the floor.

“Very effective raid.”

“Why thank you!” He pops up to take a dramatic bow. “Unfortunately, I cannot claim all the credit-”

“This is not Area 51.”

A beat.

He can practically hear the jaws drop.

Behind him, much closer to the main entrance, he can hear Steph saying “oh my gawd,” and Tim begging for that to have been caught on camera. He can only assume the wheezing is either Duke or Jason, whose laughs are weirdly similar sometimes.

He hears all of that, and smirks.

Bruce really does love his family. Memes and all.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to somehow connect caffeine to Kryptonite, making that the basis of Tim's conversation (look up the Atom and Kryptonite ah ha oh fuck) but then my science brain looked at the Kryptonite data and gave up. Someone please science this, like, how fuckin hilarious would it be if Clark mainlined Monster then lost the ability to fly


End file.
